EDIT 5: solution

EDIT 4: OK, now this one is due to Boris. Thanks, Boris.

EDIT 3: In the meantime,

…be one of the first to get the genuine Abstruse Goose blue meta-caps.
My store isn’t officially open yet but you can still order stuff. I haven’t actually seen the
final product yet so, for the next two weeks, you can get it at a reasonably low price.
I’ll probably mark it up later… possibly, maybe.

EDIT 2: OK. I removed the second version due to “serious flaws”.
…but rest assured, I have the top minds in the world working on
the problem in an effort to salvage the puzzle.

EDIT: Ooops! Thanks to everyone who pointed out the major mistake. Fixed (I think).
Those of you who thought that I did that intentionally think too highly of me. It was simply a late night mind fog.